"The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships". Anthony Robbins

Lucy details divorce-
I got married young. Somewhere inside, I knew that we could always wait to get married. But when he asked- it was an “all or nothing" sort of question. I wish I had chosen nothing now.

I was a tiny girl- maybe even too small. But after I met Don, I started to gain weight. I went from walking and going out, to being home a lot. I went from a few drinks now and then, to drinks every day. I went from healthy light meals, to late night BLTs. Everything about my life had changed- so wouldn't my weight?
Two months before our wedding, Don wrote me a letter about how my weight gain had made him not attracted to me anymore. He loved me- but thought I should look into it and try to lose weight. My heart broke.
Looking back- I now know that I was not that big at all. But the weight issues began for me at that time. I lost a lot of self-confidence. Also, looking back- why did I still marry him? When he saw that I was upset- he felt terrible. He pulled the whole "I'll understand if you never love me again- I am terrible- I do not deserve you.". I was young and too meek. I hated seeing him so sad. So I apologized for being over sensitive. And admitted I did have some weight issues. We moved on. Well, maybe.

We were together seven years, married for four. Maybe one of those years was great. More of them were just OK. And sadly, most of it was terrible. Don was depressed. Don had emotional issues. Over time- these issues would only get worse. I became his security blanket. And the darkness that comes with the demons he was fighting on the inside took him right to the bottle.
Alcohol.
Many times people who do not understand alcoholics, would tell me he was not one. Sure, he may have a few too many at the bar, but so does everyone. Those people obviously do not live with one. They do not have the anger, the spite, the utter pathetic mess that it makes of someone. They do not have to have a drunk around them on a Sunday morning. They do not have to tip toe around their own life. They do not have to live in fear. So yes, maybe everyone gets a little silly at the bar. But my guess is that they leave it at the bar. And start it there too. I really gave my marriage 110%. I gave it my all. So much so that I really lost myself. I kept gaining weight. I kept slipping further down the hole with him. I would often tell my sister I was very depressed. It was not Don, it was me, I was depressed. He would even tell my sister that I had problems. That is all funny now to me. He really convinced himself, I had the problems.
He would rarely have sex with me.
He would rarely care about what I cared about.
He would rarely leave the house-
He would belittle me in front of friends and family all the time.
I began to believe that I did have problems. I really started to hate myself. But then something happened. I came up for air(we will go into that on another blog). And when it happened- for one second- I realized there was more to me, more to life. I gave him a choice, marriage counseling and no more drinking. He agreed. But then two weeks passed. And he was drinking again. When I would complain about it- he would say my nagging is what caused it. And that he only agreed to those conditions to calm me down. He never intended to do either. So we would start again. More promises, more lies. More scary nights of him going into the deep end. More apologies. More of them same to follow. Then one night, as he was screaming at me. His eyes so filled with hate- I decided that if anything was ever to change- I had to make the change. The next morning I packed a bag and left. I have not looked back since that day.
I have been separated from him for three months. I have lost 12 pounds- with more to follow. Everyone tells me I look happy, I look healthy. Each day- I gain more of myself back.
He is still stuck. He sends me messages on a regular basis saying how much he loves me. He has asked why I am so quickly throwing everything away- because of one bad night. To him- that was the first really bad part of our marriage, the part where I left him. To me- it had been years. Some days he calls me and tries to be very nice. He tries to act like everything is great. Other times he calls me to yell at me and remind me that I have ruined his life. He tells people I left him, to find myself. That I took everything. He has nothing.
I took nothing, by the way. He and his mother (we will save her for another day!) took whatever they wanted from this home. I left the home to him. But when he realized he could not afford it he gave it back to me (I paid the rent on my own quite often). I rented him a storage unit to put all his collectibles in. But he pawned them instead. But somehow, he still blames me that he has nothing. I pay his cell, I pay his health insurance. I took on all our debt (got a loan). Sometimes he gives me money- most of the time I cannot cash it- because it becomes clear later he needs the money to eat with. (or drink?). He has yet to go to AA. Or seek help. Oh and he wants his security deposit from our apartment. The one that he punched holes- that I will be having to pay the landlord to fix. The home that I paid rent for most of the time we were together. Yes- let me write you that check right away Don.
This entry is really an overview. Divorce is hard- stressful - hurtful- hard.

And soon it will be over.