Jane Says: Grey's Anatomy Sucks

Tonight I cried like a little bitch while watching Grey's Anatomy online. I wouldn't beat myself up about it if I'd cried about the 31 year old dying caner patient with an engagement ring for his girlfriend at home in his mouth guard box, or about Meredith having to give her estranged father a piece of her liver so he could stop vomiting blood on the emergency room floor. That I could have lived with. But I'm me, and I have a tendency to spontaneously burst into tears about shit no one else on earth would even think was sad. Like the closing scene of Steve Martin's "Shopgirl" or the song "Mint Car" by the Cure. I see something on TV and somehow it completely reinvents how I feel about some other event going on in my life. That's how it was tonight-classic bullshit.
What happened was very simple. Meredith was being prepped for the vomit stopping-daughter to daddy liver donation, and her brand new post-it husband McDreamy insisted that Bailey allow him to sit by her side during the surgery. Being Bailey, she hemed and hawed about it being her OR. And then McDreamy said "Well this is my wife". That's all it took. Total bullshit. I set a land speed record from "all set" to "there's a tear in my beer".
This is why. It probably didn't escape anyone's attention that I mentioned being in a relationship with a married man. Well, lest you thing I'm a home-wrecking, wife stealing turbo whore, there are a few things I should clear up. These are in no particular order. 1)I love him. B)I think he loves me back *)He didn't tell me he was married till later 5)HIS WIFE HAS KNOWN THE WHOLE TIME AND HAS BEEN SEEING SOMEONE ELSE SINCE THREE MONTHS BEFORE HE AND I MET. Oh ha, ain't that funny. Those were in order of importance. Ascending order. Isn't that ironic. Oh wait, this is me. Isn't that predictable. ANYWAY...
I don't want to get into the specifics because we'd be here all night. I will say that we have been seeing each other for seven fun filled months of good times wrought with melodrama. I should mention we broke up once, because even though we got back together, there was an change of terms after our reconciliation that should have had even me screaming for the hills. At the beginning, there was a possibility. It was one in a million, and I pretended to everyone I met including the voices in my head that I wasn't even entertaining the notion. But still, it was there. The chance that he would love me, and it would be enough to make all the shit he'd have to go through to work that out happen. After the breakup he made it clear that he no longer had any intention of leaving his wife. That was it. Status quo. Until whatever. The sick part is I took him back because I was still in painful denial about what my real hopes for the two of us had been. It took Patrick fucking Dempsey calling Botox-faced Meredith Grey his wife for me to pony up and sit down with the awful truth. I remembered season two back before the show was a total train wreck (and also back before the show WITH the total train wreck), where Meredith begged Derrick to "pick me, want me, love me". But he didn't. He chose his wife. But since it was TV that decision only lasted until Addison got more popular and sympathetic than the writing staff must have intended, so they decided to solve the problem by giving Addison her own horrible spin off. Worked out well for Meredith. The rub is that this man's wife has been offered spin off options-but she keeps turning them down. Her rich lover? Bahh. Nursing school? Fuck that. She's here to stay. And I'm here to stay. And Jeff will never call me his wife. And that's sad. Deep breath. Crap, its kind of nice to validate it by admitting that I really did want it. It might have been doomed, but it was real. And it's ending. And that is sad, however much better I should have known.